It's better to trim your crotch hair

I totally mean it when I say your balls got to be trimmed, but I'll leave it for a later segment. And I'll even be showing a picture to show you why that is so. Scroll later la, my posts aren't very long, so we'll get to that really quickly.

The first thing I wanted to talk about was Good Friday, cos as you know, Singapore's infamous Holy Turd Pastor was sentenced a pitiful amount of jail time, and thankfully the AGC has stepped in and is considering an appeal to lengthen the jail-time. This led to the con-job church asking for even MORE money to help pay for past lawyers' fees. 

How dumb do you think your flock are?

Guess that $50m didn't last very long. For those who are actually helping by donating to that specific crowdfund, WTF is wrong with you? Wake up can or not.

I also need money, but not $50m. Just a few thousands so that I can go look for bigger flats, have quality furniture (read: not IKEA) and completely renovate the home to look damn fancy, all without any bank loans of any sort. I will add in a crowdfunding link here in a matter of days. Not a joke.

(But in the meantime, I gladly welcome SPONSORS for furniture / electrical appliances / internal designers / renovation contractors to showcase your work. I promise to blog and promote you in every single post for 6 months.)

I also want to travel, not to extravagant places but maybe Bangkok in July. I sort of thought up a short trip and I think I would love a free holiday. I also promise to fully enjoy it with your money. Confirm chop guarantee.

asking for hand-outs from home

Of course, the easier way would be to simply do well at work rather than ask for hand-outs, although I am still accepting those sponsors. Please be patient and give me time to start that crowdfunding thingy. And to do well at work, it's best to do what you love, since you'll never have to work a day in your life. Unless of course your top skill is cutting grass using a USB cable.

Then maybe think of feasible work options. But then again there are always alternative ways to get things pushed through at work.

even the Girl Scouts got the right idea

And of course, the best way to get what you want to afford, is to keep applying for jobs until you get that interview. Now, I have made countless presentations over the years, and an interview is exactly that. The only difference is, you are simply presenting yourself. Think of yourself as a product, there is no one on Earth who can know that product better than you. 

I heard dabbing is a good move these days

This reminds me of an episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S where Chandler asked Phoebe to help him with his job interview. If you do not know this reference, skip ahead. And I dun think you should be reading my blog, or any blog.

P: Hi, I'm Regina Felangie. Come on in. (extending hand)
C: Chandler Bing. (shaking her hand)
P: Bing, what an unusual name. (sitting down)
C: Ah ha, you should meet my Uncle, Badaa! (making an air drum gesture while saying badaa)
P: ...
C: I'll, let myself out.

Ok, it's funnier if you watch it. (0:34 to 0:56)

Now, with the various dating apps that I have tried to use, many girls have swiped left on me. Shame on you. Especially those with profiles claiming to be looking for a guy with a sense of humour. Limbeh not funny enough ah. Tmd. Plus I'm old enough to be mature at the same time too.

dun read his name out loud in the train

Of course I have gone on dates that didn't go too well. But that's cos I am just a picky person, so for those who I have turned away or stopped texting, I apologise. At least I didn't do it publicly.

So to know me as a person on dates, I think at times I do come across as stiff, or at times maybe a little too eager to agree. I mean, I read somewhere that ladies love a guy who shares common interests. So can't really blame me right? I only try cos I'm interested.

Sadly, these two memes seem to describe me totally. Shooting myself in the foot when I should be keeping calm and act my age. It's been a while since I last dated properly, and been almost a decade since I last had a steady relationship, so excuse me. In my time, the sentence "Let's go steady leh" actually meant being boyfriend girlfriend for real. And it was always exclusive, not the open relationships that I keep hearing about these days. What's up with that? And more importantly, why wasn't I a part of any of that?

Luckily, I think I had a really great couple of dates out with one particular lady, and it's a different feeling from all the other dates, I'm so much more myself and less nervous. It's comfortable, and I dare say it's been a really long time since I had the chance to enjoy that. But also for now I'll just keep being me and not think too far ahead. No point scaring her away. 

Notice how I so subtly weaved in that I am interested in that lady? Damn my writing has vastly improved since the first post. Of which I am keeping it unedited to remind myself never to write that way again. Cos.. eeyer.

referenced from a Kumar stand-up comedy joke, details in next post

So yeah, if I'm able to write a post at the end of the week about some food for 2 and beers, wheeee. Fingers crossed. Jeng jeng jeng (dramatic music).

Oh and talking about the title. As I also mentioned, I'm looking to go for a short trip in July. And in that event, accidental morning wood or the dropping of a towel after a shower at the hotel pool might occur. Or even worse, my shorts may come loose if any water sports are involved. Guys, keep it trimmed for hygiene's sake. Better yet,

So to conclude, I decided to stay away from the United Airlines controversy cos it's old news. And I wish all of you had a lovely Good Friday long weekend, I was mostly bedridden with a flu and cough. Indulge me in adding this silly Leo DiCaprio meme to end this post.

no reason for this, just quite funny

Signing off,
KJ

Fun Fact: When hunting for jobs, leave your bow and arrows at home. They seldom match your office attire.

Real Monday mc also macam chao keng

Yes I said it. Even though you might be sleeping on the floor beside Death's bed, people's first thought is 'Chao Keng' or skive. Second thought would then be 'Long weekend hor, sibeh good idea' and then next Monday will be their turn.

Since I mentioned death's bed, side story coming up. My favourite Death character is the one from Terry Pratchett's Discworld series. He didn't actually need a bed, He just had one so that He could try to relate to humans.

he speaks in small caps, makes you imagine reading a booming voice in your head

Here is the order to enjoy his books, and many a times have I laughed out loud in public transport just by reading them. Most of our libraries will carry a couple of his novels, so do borrow one to start reading. I dare say that I have picked up the joy of writing by trying, and not succeeding in any way, to replicate his writing style. 

May you rest in peace Sir Terence David John Pratchett OBE (28 April 1948 – 12 March 2015). You are an inspiration, a motivation and an institution all by yourself. I will be purchasing and displaying the full set of the Discworld series once I move into my own home. No jokes here, his books are beyond awesome! 

As I was saying, reporting sick. The unfortunate stigma of taking mc on Monday is that people associate it with Monday blues, instead of you being actually ill. Then again, with most clinics seeing more than double the number of patients on a Monday morning, it does lend some credence to that misconception. 

imagine you trying to fake an mc

But of course, not all doctors are like that, some are actually sympathetic and choose to diagnose you with the benefit of (Monday) doubt. My personal doctor takes his treatment really seriously, and I'm so thankful he also almost always ignores the strong alcohol smell that engulfs his consultation room when I'm there.

if doctors kept it real

I can totally imagine a no nonsense doctor telling this to you should nothing be found wrong and you just need the mc to sleep the day away. That would totally suck. And hilarious too if you needed a water cooler story. 

Of course, some doctors will actually find something wrong with you, even though you thought you were: (a) there cos you keng or (b) having a yearly checkup. This is where a lot of tact and light humour will do wonders to lessen the blow of bad news.

i bet the smile helps too

Of course I would never wish for anyone to be of ill-health. Good health is more important than all the wealth in the world. If you are terminally unwell, ridiculously rich, and was touched to tears by my well wishes, pm me for my bank account so that I can literally show you that all that wealth in your world didn't make you any happier. And if you feel happy seeing others happy, what are you waiting for with that pm? 

So then doctors would ask more questions to determine how any current conditions came about, and I recall what was recently asked of me during the blood donation (refer to earlier post on squirting nurses).

honesty isn't always the best policy

The cute doctor was probably sniggering inside when I was describing my non-existent sex life, albeit in a slightly different conversation from above. Although in my head, I imagined her asking me in a way that overlooks her appearance and highlights her professional qualifications.

I wouldn't have dared said this out loud though, kind of why my blood is ridiculously safe for blood transfusion, apart from the high alcohol content. Oh woe betide me. This is where I am looking for female volunteers to assist the doctor in the diagnosis. Anyone?

So to conclude, unless you are really unwell on Mondays, try to avoid taking that mc. And if you still decide to get one, at least take for 2 days to make it a shitload more believable.

Signing off,
KJ

 

 














Fun Fact: I've been told I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.

Q: What's long and hard, and has cum in it?

A: Cucumber.


Happy TGIF folks! There is absolutely no link from the title to the content today. I just found that joke hilarious. Moving on.

This will be one narcissistic post, cos it's about what I came across, as well as how I enjoy memes. Light hearted ones though, the gloomy, dark humour types can find their groove elsewhere.

But first off, we talk about places. And I occasionally go to this place with the address of 566 Woodlands Road. It's a very interesting decor for a cafe. Although dun be fooled by the name, it's more a zhi char type restaurant, reasonably priced, and with cheap beer on tap. It also comes attached to a pub beside where there is outdoor seating, a satay and otah stall, as well as a pool table and darts within the indoor area.

love the decor

I dun recommend showing off your pool skills though, the crowd here are so used to the table, that it seems they get more accurate the more they drink. No logic. I have yet to win a single game in all the times I was there, and I would like to think I'm a half decent pub player. I suck at darts, so no I'm not joining you for those.

I was there to have a farewell dinner for a friend who will be overseas for 2 years, serving the nation. Take care and be safe, BFF.

Another thing that tickled my fancy was when I went for a client appointment at Fusionopolis. This was what had me in stitches when I went to pee. I apologise for splashing everywhere except into the urinal, it was your fault for making it funny.

Chambers of Relief, get it?

It's in one of the government bodies office, and was done by the client who I had the pleasure of meeting up with. Great job, dude! Now, could we please get that contract signed so we can commence our project? I already praised you leh.

And on to memes, cos I didn't actually go out much, or take many pics of drinks since I didn't. Yes, and even though today is a Friday, I am not heading to a pub or bar after work. 

Fridays are usually dress down days, so this one meme seems pretty apt for the casual Friday attire.

For all those in the CBD area who wear skimpy shorts to work, or flip flops, or trendy attire, do make sure you are still appropriately dressed to look respectable. If you are going out to party, bring clothes to change, or better yet, go home to change after work.

Of course if you are a sexy (lady), likes to chill after work while dressed skimpily and is single and available, my FaceBook is Lee Kenn Ji, pm me there. Clicking on my name leads you to my FB account. If however you are attached, you'll have to show me evidence of your very sickly partner who has no friends. Not really a fan of getting beaten up by guys stronger than me. Especially not those with beast like strength.

I also have friends who kindly shared memes with me, and the next set is what we described as the Disney collection.

Since Beauty and the Beast is hot topic right now

And also Bestiality and gay depictions. But hey, neither of those topics float my boat, next! I do like the way NewNation.sg has their say in the topic though. Check them out here. (Did anyone notice the link from beast like strength to Beauty and the Beast? Wink wink.)

On the topic of Disney princesses, you have to love the rags to riches story of Cinderella.

By now you probably know that the Disney version is the sweet and lovely one. Here are some facts about the original, 9 Facts about Cinderella. *spoiler alert* The stepsisters cut their toes off. WTF. The Brothers Grimm really do live up to their name.

Speaking of names...

I can't watch Toy Story and look at 'Woody' the same way ever again...

How smooth is my transition so far! Pretty sure Tom Hanks knew what the name means, probably just likes being remembered for being an erect penis. 

Oh, I guess there is a reference to the title after all. Good thing it's not too vulgar like some characters.

nothing compared to R2-D2 anyway

This is old but gold. Imagine watching Star Wars and adding in your vulgarities to the dialogue. Damn that's the type of jokes my bro and I did when watching foreign movies in their original language. Made the shows so much more enjoyable, fun times as a kid.

Sorry for the long post. Let me end with a genius sales meme for you.

I want one!

To conclude, I think my type of humour is just seeing the funny side in stuff. The world is a dreary place as it is, lighten up and your days go by a lot better.

Signing off,
KJ

Fun fact: To understand perspective; the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the live seafood in the ship's kitchen.